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5/12/25

TW: death, cancer, grief

It’s been a while since I made a blog post! Or even updated my site! Things have been a lot lately and I just wanted to come in with a little life update of sorts.

I mean the first and biggest thing is that my nan passed away in October. She had terminal cancer so we knew it was coming but she’s the first close family member that I’ve lost. I wasn’t as upset about it as I think I should have been, like I’ve just carried on as if nothing happened. I’ve never really had a very good grasp on my emotions but things have just kind of felt wrong since, like I know it’s probably grief but I just don’t know how to deal with it and I don’t exactly have the option of a therapist either. I also haven’t told any of my friends which does feel wrong but I just don’t want them to be upset for me and worry. I guess I just wanted to mention it here to get it off my chest a little bit.

Also work has been a lot lately. I work in a primary school and I mainly work with autistic children, I’m currently volunteering partly but I do also have another job in the school that I am being paid for which is nice. There’s just a lot of kind of heavy things that have gone on lately. There’s been staff that I’ve had to report for the way they talk to the autistic children I work with (staff who have been there since I was actually a student in the school), there’s been a serious incident/allegation that I had to report, and then the lady who is basically my boss when I’m doing my volunteer work has just been completely using me and just being really manipulative about a lot of things and I would stop volunteering but I’ve made good friends with some of the other staff there and the children too, one kid in particular it would break his heart if I left and I just really don’t want to do that to him he’s a really sweet kid.

And then there’s my body, I’ve been in a lot of pain lately. If I’m not wrong, I think I have hypermobile EDS and POTS but I haven’t been to the doctor for it yet. Honestly I don’t actually know how to make an appointment and I need my mum to do it but it just takes her forever to do anything so I’m just stuck waiting. My legs have been struggling a lot lately, I’ve have a lot of pain in my knees, ankles, and now my muscles too (but to be fair I did almost 20k steps yesterday so the sore muscles are probably from that). And honestly I can’t stop thinking that when I do finally get a doctor’s appointment they’re just going to fob me off and not give me a proper diagnosis of anything which kind of scares me off going.

Okay enough of the heavy talk though because I want to talk about what else I’ve been up to and my plans!

I went to see Ride The Cyclone live in London yesterday and it was AMAZING!!! Honestly me and my sister didn’t have very high hopes for it really but it was so good!! The choreography was so much better than I thought it was going to be (I knew that at least Noel’s actor would be able to dance well because I had seen him in Newsies before but they were all really good)!! The ending of Talia broke my fucking heart, Mischa went into the sort of vision of Talia and kissed her and she gave him a rose and when he came back out the rose fell apart and he watched a petal slowly drift to the floor and broke down sobbing. Also he brake-danced at the end of This Song Is Awesome which was honestly one of the coolest things I’ve seen with my own two eyes. They had giant space hoppers in Space Age Bachelor Man and they looked like they were having so much fun on them! Constance was on a swing during Sugar Cloud. They brought out a coffin for Jane during her song then they buried her alive and then her head floated above the coffin and started singing and we saw her headless body dancing inside it was sick!! Also Monique was gorgeous she had a beautiful red wig, I really want to draw her but I don’t know if I can find any pictures of her design anywhere. Me and my sister met the cast afterwards to get our playbook signed and we mentioned to Noel’s actor that we got to see him in Newsies and he said that he saw us in the audience (we were in the middle in the second row, the theatre was tiny) and caught a vibe off of us and kept looking at us while he was performing lol. Also when Mischa was sobbing his heart out the whole theatre was silent and then Ricky started speaking and my sister knew Space Age Bachelor Man was coming up next and started laughing and Noel’s actor shot her a look lmao. All in all though I really loved it!! I’m so happy I got to see it, Ride The Cyclone is my favourite musical!! Also I’ve booked tickets for me and my sister to see Starkid’s The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals Reboot next year and I’m SO EXCITED!!!! And I still need to buy tickets for Beetlejuice…

I also wanted to talk a little about my art and my general plans for at least January. I haven’t been able to do much art lately, mainly because of me being so exhausted from work all the time which has made me really sad. I have a commission I need to work on and when that’s finished I think I’m not going to take any commissions for a while. I’m going to work on just doing art for fun again and for myself. Though I will probably still do things like adopts and maybe make some little one-time-purchase things occasionally since they are still fun I just can handle a time limit at the moment. I’ve caught myself doomscrolling on Pinterest a lot lately and just generally being really sort of mopey when it comes to media. Honestly I have been like that for a while now. But I want to started interacting with media more and actually engaging with it properly, I hardly ever watch tv shows and movies and I hardly play any games which makes me sad because I love gaming! But I want to try to be more intentional with it rather than just consuming. So for January (or maybe I’ll start earlier) I’m blocking all of my brainrotting apps from my phone and I’m just going to try to engage with things more intentionally! Maybe I’ll even start journaling and you might see more blog posts in my media journal! And also I’m doing no YouTube! Just intentional consumption rather than mindless background noise!

Okay well that’s all I really have to say for today, sorry it was a bit heavy at the start I just needed to get some things off my chest. If you read this far thank you, I love you, I hope you have a wonderful day! <3

Last of all here are just some fun pictures! My view from my seat at Ride The Cyclone, a picture I took of the Thames, a pretty picture I took, and a doodle of Felix from Stray Kids I done the other day! (I will update this with pictures of my playbook and the signatures when I'm less tired!)